If you have never listened to the band Casting Crowns, you need to. I promise you will love them! The song "Come to the Well" is my current favorite.
I know I have stepped away for a minute, I have been busy...in love with what is happening in my life. You know, I have always considered myself a Christian (but I was a lost one - without a home or community, trying to make it on my own...impossible to truly do) there is something really really awesome about finding a church, a home. It makes me realize that we are all so powerful when we come together. People are amazing. Relationships are wonderful. Finding that changes EVERYTHING. The way I live, the way I think, the way I move, the way I breathe...and not just they way I do those things, it changes the WHY.
So I have been spending some time, thinking on my struggles and how they are truly okay. I have come so far just in the last year. I would have to say that today I am thankful for the realization that NO one human is perfect. Because once I realized that, I also realized that I didn't have to be. It took me almost a year to learn that. Embracing my imperfect self is a wonderful feeling, I feel liberated. I am broken, and beautiful.
Have a great weekend!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Over the past year I have been back and forth looking for a church, all the while still figuring out how to truly trust my faith and my story. I have been wandering...and lost...and hurting...and lonely. I was confused, because among all of that I have an amazing husband and beautiful son. I have many gifts in my life. I feel grateful for them and undeserving at the same time.
My family and I accepted an invite from some friends and today we attended their church with them. We have received those "come to my church" invites in the past but they didn't ever really appeal to me. These friends are a super sweet couple and I found myself unusually drawn to the invitation that they extended weeks ago. Then the signs over the past few days have been undeniable, and the feelings intense. On the way to meet up with our friends this morning I told my husband that I had a feeling, it was strange and I couldn't place it. Something was about to happen but I had no idea what or when. I felt anticipation that was scary and exciting all at once.
The church was amazing, the people were welcoming, little man was right at home with the youth pastor and the other kiddos. The sermon was fantastic and drawing to an end. I still had that feeling.
At the end of the sermon during the final prayer the pastor asked for anyone who was there today, who needed Jesus and was ready to turn themselves over to God to please show their hand. I raised my hand along with others around me. He said a prayer that we would all find strength and that God loves us all. Then he asked that any of us that showed our hands, and that felt the strength at that moment, join him at the altar. I was still for a moment and something ripped through me - it was the craziest feeling I have ever felt. I turned to my husband and said "I need to go up there" and scooted by him.
The walk to the front of the church felt long. When I reached the altar, I turned to look and realized that I stood up there...alone. No one else that had raised their hands had the strength at that time to join me. I felt shaky. Not seconds later I felt my friends hand on my shoulder (I think that she actually chased me up there) to show her support. I don't recall anything else that was really said in those moments but I will NEVER EVER forget the feeling. God lifted the weight of the world off of my shoulders.
Something in me changed. I don't know quite what, but I like it.
I can't wait for next Sunday!