Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Holes & bowls

Tonight I am struggling with some personal thoughts and decisions.  I typically try to be careful about what I say in front of little man.  However, tonight I was talking to my husband and told him that I want to just "climb into a hole" but that I knew that hiding from things is not healthy. 

Some time later I was still feeling weighed down, I still am but I know that I will be brought to the answers.  I really just need some time to pray on things.  Apparently it is obvious that I am feeling some burden because my sweet sweet little man just came up to me and said...

"Mommy, I love you very much...even though you want to climb in a bowl."

He wrapped his little arms around me and squeezed.  Time stood still for a second so I could see that he was trying to take away my pains.  I debated on correcting him but decided that bowl & hole are close enough and while his words may have not quite been there - his heart, as always, was in just the right place.

How humbling.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear God

Dear God,
I know I'm a sinner.  I believe Jesus died to forgive me of my sins.  I now accept Your offer of eternal life.  Thank You for forgiving me.  From this day forward, I will choose to follow you.

Monday, March 19, 2012

It Looks Like {Beautiful} Rain

Today is overcast, and it looks like the sky could just open up any second.  I woke up this morning and it took me a minute to wake up and get moving.  When I looked outside and saw the clouds I closed my eyes for a moment.  In that moment I though to myself - "Jessica, you can let this gloomy day make you gloomy - or you can choose to love it."  I am choosing to love it.  Perspective.

I had a wonderful morning getting my little man ready for school, we talked about Art class and we discussed his proposal to play hookie one day soon so that we could have some special time.  He ate his breakfast while I packed his lunch.  He sang to me in the car on the way to the bus stop.  I called my husband on my way to work to let him know about my and little man's plans to "hookie" and to let him know that he got off to school okay.  I listened to Zac Brown all the way into the office and drank my Peach Mango juice.  I cancelled my 9AM to give everyone that should have attended just a little bit of time back in their day.

It is 10:11AM and I am smiling - despite the gloomy {but truly beautiful} weather and the potential {beautiful} rain.  Perspective is a powerful thing.  Give it over.  It is what it is.  Choose to trust in God and have a beautiful day.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Thankful Day

Right now I am feeling thankful for all of the simple things that I overlook on most days.  I was feeling overwhelmed this morning and I almost let it get to me.  It took a minute to turn myself around and remind myself that no matter what is going on...I have a choice. 
To name just a few of the things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful that I am here - by the grace of God, I am able to experience the here and now.
I am thankful that I am healthy - my poor little man has been having tummy troubles and I really wish I could take them away from him.  He woke up, after a very rough night, to inform me that "Mommy, I think that this sickness is still on me."  It broke my heart.
I am thankful for my physical strength - my body, and super strong and capable legs, carried me 4.5 quick miles on the treadmill this morning.  All the while my little man was building "block ramps" on my yoga mat for his hot wheels, eating saltines and drinking ginger ale.
I am thankful for my friends that remind me, probably without even knowing it, that I am a lucky lady and there are struggles out there that are much more challenging then the ones I have.  One of them hit 18 months today, from the day she lost her husband.  She is so strong and I am thankful to call her my friend.  She helps to give me a different perspective.  I love her.
I am thankful for my family - that I can hold my sweet little man, and kiss my big man every day.  It is a gift.
I am thankful for the beautiful weather - 81 degrees, simply perfect outside.  I love the spring time in VA.

I could go on and on and on...

be thankful.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

You get what you give

I read once that you will only allow someone to abuse you as much as you would abuse yourself.  For a long time I thought that statement was crazy, but now I finally get it.  The more I fill myself with love (for myself and others), the less abuse I am willing to tolerate (from myself and others.)  When I disrespected myself, I was willing to let others do the same.  My threshold for abuse was high, because I did not love myself like I truly deserved.  My ability to love others unconditionally was also hindered my my inability to love myself.

It was when I realized that God loves me in an unconditional way, that I might (as a child of God) actually deserve that love.  It is by his grace that I am learning these things.  I am learning to love myself in an unconditional way and in the process am willing to accept unconditional love (from especially those people that I allow close to my heart.)  Beyond all of that, my ability to give love to others without condition has strengthened beyond measure.

This does not mean that there is no room in my life for those people who may not show unconditional love but it does mean that I set firm boundaries with them.  I try to have patience, because those are often the people who need love the most.  These boundaries are the same boundaries that I have set with myself, and reflect the same dream that God has for me...and that dream is for us to accept nothing but love, because we deserve love.  And when we give love, we get love.
So this is what I ask of you...go and give love (try it on yourself first) and what you get in return will simply blow your mind!

(Let me disclaim that in the very unfortunate situation where setting boundaries and giving love does not work with someone who is abusive/conditional, I hand it over to God and walk away because that is the healthiest thing for me to do - and that is me loving myself.)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

If you judge a fish...

"Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by it's ability to ride a bike, it will live it's live feeling like a failure." - Albert Einstein

Sometimes it is really hard for me to accept that I can not control things and look at things in a truthful and thankful way. It is easy to want my life away...to be jealous of what others are and have...to think that happiness and peace come from anywhere but inside of us.

Often times (and part of what got me into my hole) was thinking that I could control things and once I controlled them all it would result in happiness and that I would be happy. I would somehow magically find peace, and have certain things, make more money, and I would look a certain way...and things would be perfect. The sad thing is that the "end result" that was in my mind was NOTHING like the person I am now or the wonderful life that I have now.

Today I am feeling pensive and feeling truly thankful for all of the things that I have right now (without controlling them). I have a beautiful house, all be it a messy one. I don't have stress in my job. I have a sweet husband who loves me. I have a beautiful child, an angel, a true reflection of God. I have a strong healthy body, all be it a short one, with cellulite & love handles. The messy house means that it is lived in, I am learning that. Those things about my body that I cannot change (without unhealthy measures) are that way for a reason. I am beautiful just the way I am, my life is amazing just the way it is. Once I let go of control/someday thinking I am able to experience it. Happiness and peace are in my imperfect life now, I just have to acknowledge them, and let God show them to me. I am letting go and just being thankful for his gifts.

I am learning to love that I am a fish, and that my purpose in life may not be to ride a bike. If I spend my whole life crying over the fact that I cannot ride a bike I will never know that I have the natural ability to swim beautifully.

Realize your purpose and embrace it. It may not be the purpose that you "want" or are convinced will make you happy but you have one, trust me. Once you embrace it, that is when the magic, and happiness and peace will happen!