unconditional love

that is what God has for me.  it is amazing how loyal and loving He has been to me...even when i have strayed.  what a beautiful lesson in unconditional love.  that, no matter our life story, we are all His children and as soon as we are willing and wishing we will be welcomed by him with open arms, unconditionally.

what an amazing thing to be witness to His grace.  i am lucky.  i am loved...unconditionally.

and just for fun...here is my little man...loving every bit of summer coming on!

choices

i am feeling heavy, both figuratively and literally.  my body just feels slow, thick and weighed down.  my heart feels full of sweet wonderful life, but is also feeling some stresses.

i feel like there is so much happening right now.  there are some really great things and some things that are challenging to me.  i am feeling pressures, and lots of them. 

i am also reminding myself that these are the moments when i must choose faith.  i must choose to believe that the plan is bigger. 

a sweet friend of mine made a comment today about being so full of love that you are ready to burst but needing a good cry at the same time.  that is where i am right now and you know what...it is the best of both worlds.

because i have the choice, i'll take faith...and a good cry.

Perfect

If you have never listened to the band Casting Crowns, you need to.  I promise you will love them!  The song "Come to the Well" is my current favorite.

I know I have stepped away for a minute, I have been busy...in love with what is happening in my life.  You know, I have always considered myself a Christian (but I was a lost one - without a home or community, trying to make it on my own...impossible to truly do) there is something really really awesome about finding a church, a home.  It makes me realize that we are all so powerful when we come together.  People are amazing.  Relationships are wonderful.  Finding that changes EVERYTHING.  The way I live, the way I think, the way I move, the way I breathe...and not just they way I do those things, it changes the WHY.

So I have been spending some time, thinking on my struggles and how they are truly okay.  I have come so far just in the last year.  I would have to say that today I am thankful for the realization that NO one human is perfect.  Because once I realized that, I also realized that I didn't have to be.  It took me almost a year to learn that.  Embracing my imperfect self is a wonderful feeling, I feel liberated.  I am broken, and beautiful.

Have a great weekend!!!

XOXO,
Jess

Everything Changes

Over the past year I have been back and forth looking for a church, all the while still figuring out how to truly trust my faith and my story.  I have been wandering...and lost...and hurting...and lonely.  I was confused, because among all of that I have an amazing husband and beautiful son.  I have many gifts in my life.  I feel grateful for them and undeserving at the same time.

My family and I accepted an invite from some friends and today we attended their church with them.  We have received those "come to my church" invites in the past but they didn't ever really appeal to me.  These friends are a super sweet couple and I found myself unusually drawn to the invitation that they extended weeks ago.  Then the signs over the past few days have been undeniable, and the feelings intense.  On the way to meet up with our friends this morning I told my husband that I had a feeling, it was strange and I couldn't place it.  Something was about to happen but I had no idea what or when.  I felt anticipation that was scary and exciting all at once.

The church was amazing, the people were welcoming, little man was right at home with the youth pastor and the other kiddos.  The sermon was fantastic and drawing to an end.  I still had that feeling.

At the end of the sermon during the final prayer the pastor asked for anyone who was there today, who needed Jesus and was ready to turn themselves over to God to please show their hand.  I raised my hand along with others around me.  He said a prayer that we would all find strength and that God loves us all.  Then he asked that any of us that showed our hands, and that felt the strength at that moment, join him at the altar.  I was still for a moment and something ripped through me - it was the craziest feeling I have ever felt.  I turned to my husband and said "I need to go up there" and scooted by him. 

The walk to the front of the church felt long.  When I reached the altar, I turned to look and realized that I stood up there...alone.  No one else that had raised their hands had the strength at that time to join me.  I felt shaky.  Not seconds later I felt my friends hand on my shoulder (I think that she actually chased me up there) to show her support.  I don't recall anything else that was really said in those moments but I will NEVER EVER forget the feeling.  God lifted the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

Something in me changed.  I don't know quite what, but I like it.

I can't wait for next Sunday!

Holes & bowls

Tonight I am struggling with some personal thoughts and decisions.  I typically try to be careful about what I say in front of little man.  However, tonight I was talking to my husband and told him that I want to just "climb into a hole" but that I knew that hiding from things is not healthy. 

Some time later I was still feeling weighed down, I still am but I know that I will be brought to the answers.  I really just need some time to pray on things.  Apparently it is obvious that I am feeling some burden because my sweet sweet little man just came up to me and said...

"Mommy, I love you very much...even though you want to climb in a bowl."

He wrapped his little arms around me and squeezed.  Time stood still for a second so I could see that he was trying to take away my pains.  I debated on correcting him but decided that bowl & hole are close enough and while his words may have not quite been there - his heart, as always, was in just the right place.

How humbling.

Dear God

Dear God,
I know I'm a sinner.  I believe Jesus died to forgive me of my sins.  I now accept Your offer of eternal life.  Thank You for forgiving me.  From this day forward, I will choose to follow you.
Love,
Jessica

It Looks Like {Beautiful} Rain

Today is overcast, and it looks like the sky could just open up any second.  I woke up this morning and it took me a minute to wake up and get moving.  When I looked outside and saw the clouds I closed my eyes for a moment.  In that moment I though to myself - "Jessica, you can let this gloomy day make you gloomy - or you can choose to love it."  I am choosing to love it.  Perspective.

I had a wonderful morning getting my little man ready for school, we talked about Art class and we discussed his proposal to play hookie one day soon so that we could have some special time.  He ate his breakfast while I packed his lunch.  He sang to me in the car on the way to the bus stop.  I called my husband on my way to work to let him know about my and little man's plans to "hookie" and to let him know that he got off to school okay.  I listened to Zac Brown all the way into the office and drank my Peach Mango juice.  I cancelled my 9AM to give everyone that should have attended just a little bit of time back in their day.

It is 10:11AM and I am smiling - despite the gloomy {but truly beautiful} weather and the potential {beautiful} rain.  Perspective is a powerful thing.  Give it over.  It is what it is.  Choose to trust in God and have a beautiful day.