am i doing 1/2 or 2x as much?

I have registered for a 1/2 marathon in the fall.  13.1 miles.  I am going to truly be testing my relationship with running.  I love to run, but 10K's seem to be the sweet distance for me.  Most of my runs have been 10K's.  We will see how it goes.  I am not going to lie, I am nervous.  I have run 8.1 miles so far in training and after mile 6 I just get soooooooo bored. 

My neighbor, on the other hand, is doing a full Iron Man race in a month.  His training runs are 15 -18 miles (plain crazy!).  We were talking the other day about his run portion of the race, which is 26.2 miles.  "I am only doing 1/2 that and I am terrified!" was my thought.  When I walked away from him and his goals and determinations and his crazy abilities I felt like 1/2.  I am only doing 1/2 of that.  I felt like my "big deal" 1/2 marathon in that fall was nothing.

I am thinking about it now though (after some much needed yoga) and realized that often times perspective is truly the key to how we are looking at things and, as a result of that, how we are feeling about things.  I may be doing 1/2 of his distance, I am actually doing 2x (plus) my distance.

Don't get me wrong, my neighbor is a rock star and while his ability to do those races might amaze me...it is not something that is for me.  I am a 10K runner, who is pushing myself to do a 1/2 so that the feeling of accomplishment, dedication, want and thankfulness for a strong body can rush through me when I cross the finish line.  I want to check it of of my list.  Will I ever do another one...who knows, but for know I am choosing to look at it as I am not doing 1/2, I am 2X as much as I have done before.

Go me!!!

being fearful

I want to work on that...the being fearful thing. 

I listened to a really wonderful sermon today about becoming complacent in our faith.  It pretty much rocked, and got me to ask myself some deep questions.  Andrew challenged us to really connect and to be fearful, it was a tough message.  He pressed us to ask ourselves if we are really open to God working through us, are we seeking him out, or are we just going through the motions?  He asked for us to not ever get too comfortable with our faith and to always know that our glory is in God - not in ourselves.  To live fearfully, consistently fearfully. 

We can worship the Lord, but in the end have we come to that moment where we know Jesus and he knows us?  I am not too sure of this fearful thing...and I want to get it right.  I want to live fearfully.  I am humble to the Lord, and ever so thankful for Gods grace.  But am I fearful?  I am praying on it.

finding my happy

finding my happy

with myself...
with my family...
with my friends...
with work...
with exercise...
with eating...
with my life...

what a journey. 

i finally feel like i belong in my skin and in my life.  i am enjoying it, and crying over it, and laughing about it...but most importantly living it.  there is a balance to everything.  it is amazing what happens when you truly just turn it over...

here is a little bit of what is going on with me lately...

• i am psyched to be going home to the green mountain state with my little man for a week.  i can't wait to see my family and watch them love all over my baby!
• i have been running...and loving it!  i registered for a 1/2 marathon in the fall, it will feel good to check it off of my "list" but i have learned in this training that i think that my heart is with the 10K distance.  anything longer then that is a real challenge for me, for my mind.  it bores my brains out!!!!  i give it up to all of you long distance (like marathon) runners...you are rockstars!
• i took my new mt. bike (the best mother's day gift ever!) out with my boys.  i named her "lola" and then wrecked on her - we were both scratched up but it validated that i am still at least a little bit tough!
• i am committing to yoga every day - even if it is just a few minutes...it makes a huge difference.  i love it!  it does crazy things for those tight runner hips.
• i am loving my Church...Jesus has stolen my heart and led me to a much better life.  He is the "it" that was missing before...no doubt!
• i am making killer salads every day for lunch - yum!  my son thinks my husbands favorite food is "Mexican" and that mine is "Lettuce"...that just might be true : )
• i am drinking a Monster Zero every day.  they are fantastic!  don't judge.

a good life is filled with love.  Love God and Love each other!  the world is a much better place when all of that is going on.  i promise!

XOXO
jess

unconditional love

that is what God has for me.  it is amazing how loyal and loving He has been to me...even when i have strayed.  what a beautiful lesson in unconditional love.  that, no matter our life story, we are all His children and as soon as we are willing and wishing we will be welcomed by him with open arms, unconditionally.

what an amazing thing to be witness to His grace.  i am lucky.  i am loved...unconditionally.

and just for fun...here is my little man...loving every bit of summer coming on!

choices

i am feeling heavy, both figuratively and literally.  my body just feels slow, thick and weighed down.  my heart feels full of sweet wonderful life, but is also feeling some stresses.

i feel like there is so much happening right now.  there are some really great things and some things that are challenging to me.  i am feeling pressures, and lots of them. 

i am also reminding myself that these are the moments when i must choose faith.  i must choose to believe that the plan is bigger. 

a sweet friend of mine made a comment today about being so full of love that you are ready to burst but needing a good cry at the same time.  that is where i am right now and you know what...it is the best of both worlds.

because i have the choice, i'll take faith...and a good cry.

Perfect

If you have never listened to the band Casting Crowns, you need to.  I promise you will love them!  The song "Come to the Well" is my current favorite.

I know I have stepped away for a minute, I have been busy...in love with what is happening in my life.  You know, I have always considered myself a Christian (but I was a lost one - without a home or community, trying to make it on my own...impossible to truly do) there is something really really awesome about finding a church, a home.  It makes me realize that we are all so powerful when we come together.  People are amazing.  Relationships are wonderful.  Finding that changes EVERYTHING.  The way I live, the way I think, the way I move, the way I breathe...and not just they way I do those things, it changes the WHY.

So I have been spending some time, thinking on my struggles and how they are truly okay.  I have come so far just in the last year.  I would have to say that today I am thankful for the realization that NO one human is perfect.  Because once I realized that, I also realized that I didn't have to be.  It took me almost a year to learn that.  Embracing my imperfect self is a wonderful feeling, I feel liberated.  I am broken, and beautiful.

Have a great weekend!!!

XOXO,
Jess

Everything Changes

Over the past year I have been back and forth looking for a church, all the while still figuring out how to truly trust my faith and my story.  I have been wandering...and lost...and hurting...and lonely.  I was confused, because among all of that I have an amazing husband and beautiful son.  I have many gifts in my life.  I feel grateful for them and undeserving at the same time.

My family and I accepted an invite from some friends and today we attended their church with them.  We have received those "come to my church" invites in the past but they didn't ever really appeal to me.  These friends are a super sweet couple and I found myself unusually drawn to the invitation that they extended weeks ago.  Then the signs over the past few days have been undeniable, and the feelings intense.  On the way to meet up with our friends this morning I told my husband that I had a feeling, it was strange and I couldn't place it.  Something was about to happen but I had no idea what or when.  I felt anticipation that was scary and exciting all at once.

The church was amazing, the people were welcoming, little man was right at home with the youth pastor and the other kiddos.  The sermon was fantastic and drawing to an end.  I still had that feeling.

At the end of the sermon during the final prayer the pastor asked for anyone who was there today, who needed Jesus and was ready to turn themselves over to God to please show their hand.  I raised my hand along with others around me.  He said a prayer that we would all find strength and that God loves us all.  Then he asked that any of us that showed our hands, and that felt the strength at that moment, join him at the altar.  I was still for a moment and something ripped through me - it was the craziest feeling I have ever felt.  I turned to my husband and said "I need to go up there" and scooted by him. 

The walk to the front of the church felt long.  When I reached the altar, I turned to look and realized that I stood up there...alone.  No one else that had raised their hands had the strength at that time to join me.  I felt shaky.  Not seconds later I felt my friends hand on my shoulder (I think that she actually chased me up there) to show her support.  I don't recall anything else that was really said in those moments but I will NEVER EVER forget the feeling.  God lifted the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

Something in me changed.  I don't know quite what, but I like it.

I can't wait for next Sunday!