Perfect

If you have never listened to the band Casting Crowns, you need to.  I promise you will love them!  The song "Come to the Well" is my current favorite.

I know I have stepped away for a minute, I have been busy...in love with what is happening in my life.  You know, I have always considered myself a Christian (but I was a lost one - without a home or community, trying to make it on my own...impossible to truly do) there is something really really awesome about finding a church, a home.  It makes me realize that we are all so powerful when we come together.  People are amazing.  Relationships are wonderful.  Finding that changes EVERYTHING.  The way I live, the way I think, the way I move, the way I breathe...and not just they way I do those things, it changes the WHY.

So I have been spending some time, thinking on my struggles and how they are truly okay.  I have come so far just in the last year.  I would have to say that today I am thankful for the realization that NO one human is perfect.  Because once I realized that, I also realized that I didn't have to be.  It took me almost a year to learn that.  Embracing my imperfect self is a wonderful feeling, I feel liberated.  I am broken, and beautiful.

Have a great weekend!!!

XOXO,
Jess

Everything Changes

Over the past year I have been back and forth looking for a church, all the while still figuring out how to truly trust my faith and my story.  I have been wandering...and lost...and hurting...and lonely.  I was confused, because among all of that I have an amazing husband and beautiful son.  I have many gifts in my life.  I feel grateful for them and undeserving at the same time.

My family and I accepted an invite from some friends and today we attended their church with them.  We have received those "come to my church" invites in the past but they didn't ever really appeal to me.  These friends are a super sweet couple and I found myself unusually drawn to the invitation that they extended weeks ago.  Then the signs over the past few days have been undeniable, and the feelings intense.  On the way to meet up with our friends this morning I told my husband that I had a feeling, it was strange and I couldn't place it.  Something was about to happen but I had no idea what or when.  I felt anticipation that was scary and exciting all at once.

The church was amazing, the people were welcoming, little man was right at home with the youth pastor and the other kiddos.  The sermon was fantastic and drawing to an end.  I still had that feeling.

At the end of the sermon during the final prayer the pastor asked for anyone who was there today, who needed Jesus and was ready to turn themselves over to God to please show their hand.  I raised my hand along with others around me.  He said a prayer that we would all find strength and that God loves us all.  Then he asked that any of us that showed our hands, and that felt the strength at that moment, join him at the altar.  I was still for a moment and something ripped through me - it was the craziest feeling I have ever felt.  I turned to my husband and said "I need to go up there" and scooted by him. 

The walk to the front of the church felt long.  When I reached the altar, I turned to look and realized that I stood up there...alone.  No one else that had raised their hands had the strength at that time to join me.  I felt shaky.  Not seconds later I felt my friends hand on my shoulder (I think that she actually chased me up there) to show her support.  I don't recall anything else that was really said in those moments but I will NEVER EVER forget the feeling.  God lifted the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

Something in me changed.  I don't know quite what, but I like it.

I can't wait for next Sunday!

Holes & bowls

Tonight I am struggling with some personal thoughts and decisions.  I typically try to be careful about what I say in front of little man.  However, tonight I was talking to my husband and told him that I want to just "climb into a hole" but that I knew that hiding from things is not healthy. 

Some time later I was still feeling weighed down, I still am but I know that I will be brought to the answers.  I really just need some time to pray on things.  Apparently it is obvious that I am feeling some burden because my sweet sweet little man just came up to me and said...

"Mommy, I love you very much...even though you want to climb in a bowl."

He wrapped his little arms around me and squeezed.  Time stood still for a second so I could see that he was trying to take away my pains.  I debated on correcting him but decided that bowl & hole are close enough and while his words may have not quite been there - his heart, as always, was in just the right place.

How humbling.

Dear God

Dear God,
I know I'm a sinner.  I believe Jesus died to forgive me of my sins.  I now accept Your offer of eternal life.  Thank You for forgiving me.  From this day forward, I will choose to follow you.
Love,
Jessica

It Looks Like {Beautiful} Rain

Today is overcast, and it looks like the sky could just open up any second.  I woke up this morning and it took me a minute to wake up and get moving.  When I looked outside and saw the clouds I closed my eyes for a moment.  In that moment I though to myself - "Jessica, you can let this gloomy day make you gloomy - or you can choose to love it."  I am choosing to love it.  Perspective.

I had a wonderful morning getting my little man ready for school, we talked about Art class and we discussed his proposal to play hookie one day soon so that we could have some special time.  He ate his breakfast while I packed his lunch.  He sang to me in the car on the way to the bus stop.  I called my husband on my way to work to let him know about my and little man's plans to "hookie" and to let him know that he got off to school okay.  I listened to Zac Brown all the way into the office and drank my Peach Mango juice.  I cancelled my 9AM to give everyone that should have attended just a little bit of time back in their day.

It is 10:11AM and I am smiling - despite the gloomy {but truly beautiful} weather and the potential {beautiful} rain.  Perspective is a powerful thing.  Give it over.  It is what it is.  Choose to trust in God and have a beautiful day.

A Thankful Day

Right now I am feeling thankful for all of the simple things that I overlook on most days.  I was feeling overwhelmed this morning and I almost let it get to me.  It took a minute to turn myself around and remind myself that no matter what is going on...I have a choice. 
 
To name just a few of the things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful that I am here - by the grace of God, I am able to experience the here and now.
I am thankful that I am healthy - my poor little man has been having tummy troubles and I really wish I could take them away from him.  He woke up, after a very rough night, to inform me that "Mommy, I think that this sickness is still on me."  It broke my heart.
I am thankful for my physical strength - my body, and super strong and capable legs, carried me 4.5 quick miles on the treadmill this morning.  All the while my little man was building "block ramps" on my yoga mat for his hot wheels, eating saltines and drinking ginger ale.
I am thankful for my friends that remind me, probably without even knowing it, that I am a lucky lady and there are struggles out there that are much more challenging then the ones I have.  One of them hit 18 months today, from the day she lost her husband.  She is so strong and I am thankful to call her my friend.  She helps to give me a different perspective.  I love her.
I am thankful for my family - that I can hold my sweet little man, and kiss my big man every day.  It is a gift.
I am thankful for the beautiful weather - 81 degrees, simply perfect outside.  I love the spring time in VA.

I could go on and on and on...

be thankful.

You get what you give

I read once that you will only allow someone to abuse you as much as you would abuse yourself.  For a long time I thought that statement was crazy, but now I finally get it.  The more I fill myself with love (for myself and others), the less abuse I am willing to tolerate (from myself and others.)  When I disrespected myself, I was willing to let others do the same.  My threshold for abuse was high, because I did not love myself like I truly deserved.  My ability to love others unconditionally was also hindered my my inability to love myself.

It was when I realized that God loves me in an unconditional way, that I might (as a child of God) actually deserve that love.  It is by his grace that I am learning these things.  I am learning to love myself in an unconditional way and in the process am willing to accept unconditional love (from especially those people that I allow close to my heart.)  Beyond all of that, my ability to give love to others without condition has strengthened beyond measure.

This does not mean that there is no room in my life for those people who may not show unconditional love but it does mean that I set firm boundaries with them.  I try to have patience, because those are often the people who need love the most.  These boundaries are the same boundaries that I have set with myself, and reflect the same dream that God has for me...and that dream is for us to accept nothing but love, because we deserve love.  And when we give love, we get love.
So this is what I ask of you...go and give love (try it on yourself first) and what you get in return will simply blow your mind!

(Let me disclaim that in the very unfortunate situation where setting boundaries and giving love does not work with someone who is abusive/conditional, I hand it over to God and walk away because that is the healthiest thing for me to do - and that is me loving myself.)